Whilst sibling putdowns are a normal part of life, parents can certainly aid in disrupting and disapproving harmful and unkind behaviours between siblings. Oftentimes when the younger sibling begins to be perceived by the elder as encroaching on their special areas of expertise and acclaim (academics, sports, popularity), the older sibling will attempt to reaffirm their specialness by attacking the younger’s most vulnerable spots. Often these attacks can seem out of the blue and intense without any warning, but there are some things that parents can be on the look out for when attempting to disrupt this pattern of behaviour early on.

Drawing on research from acclaimed pioneers and researchers of bullying intervention and prevention, Ken Rigby & Dan Olweus’ work highlights the importance of often the unnoticed first phase in a siblings’ escalation of conflict between each other. Whilst sibling conflicts become most alarming at the point of heightened tension and aggression, the initial stage whereby an exclusive body language message is communicated is often critically unnoticed by adults in order to intervene. As approximately 70% of communication is portrayed through body language, these messages are easy to transmit between siblings and peers and can open the door towards ongoing conflict. Unspoken body language messages such as body curtaining to protect toys, an eye roll, etc, can be difficult to pick up and if parents aren’t able to identify and disapprove of it, Rigby and Olweus explain that often this will escalate into verbal micro-aggressions, and finally full-blown aggressions between siblings, which can become habituated if not addressed by adults and parents.

Whilst the key opportunity for disrupting sibling conflict and aggression would be at the point of unspoken and unkind body language, being able to intervene at any point along the escalating road to conflict is important and necessary in order to improve sibling and peer relationships. Silence by an adult or parent is always presumed as agreeance and permission to escalate the behaviour. When seeking to disapprove and disrupt conflict, Rigby guides parents, with an energy of warmth, kindness and clarity, to affirm, connect, disapprove and invite. Elaborating on these principles further, Rigby encourages parents to initiate the parent-child conversation with a strengths-based focus, drawing on positive experiences the child has had in the past related to getting along with their sibling. As the parent seeks to connect and let the child feel safe, they can then clearly disapprove of the aggressive behaviour using phrases such as, “in this family we try really hard not to----, even if it’s really hard.” Finally, the parent can invite the children who are putting each other down, to sort it out themselves or ask a parent for help working it out. This opportunity to problem-solve and repair social issues can be of great use and experience to the young child. This step still often requires a parent to supervise and ensure harmony is attempted and may still need a parent’s guidance in facilitating reconciliation at times.

As kids cope with conflict, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life, including how to value another’s point of view, how to compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses. In cases where siblings’ conflict escalates to severity in terms of disrupting daily functioning, or particularly affecting a family member’s emotional or psychological health, or self esteem, it can be useful to speak with a mental health provider. Parents of the school are also always welcome to contact the school counsellor via phone or email (Shandelle.steere@catholiccare.cg.org.au) should you have any questions concerning your child’s aggression or mental health.